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Every once in awhile, we come across something hilarious or fun that has nothing to do with surfing.  The Shrink, Zoomer, Gekko, Bit Brain, and the rest of the staff got together and tried to figure out a way to organize this stuff in some coherent fashion.  Since there's little organization or coherence at the SurfHumor Headquarters in the People's Republic of San Francisco, a solution was never found.  So, we just threw all the odds and ends on this page. 

The perks of being over 40:

• Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

• In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

• No one expects you to run - anywhere.

• People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"

• People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

• There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

• Things you buy now won't wear out.

• You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.

• You can live without sex but not without glasses.

• You enjoy hearing about other people operations.

• You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

• You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

• You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

• You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

• You sing along with elevator music.

• Your eyes won't get much worse.

• Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

• Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

• Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

• Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

• You can't remember who sent you this list.

Games we play when we’re older: 

• Sag, You're it.

• Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.

• 20 questions shouted into your good ear.

• Kick the bucket.

• Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over

• Doc Goose.

• Simon says something incoherent.

• Hide and go pee.

• Spin the Bottle of Mylanta.

• Musical recliners.

Old is when. . .

• Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"

• Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

• A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

• Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

• You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

• You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of the police.

• ”Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.

• "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

• An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee.

SurfHumor Human Resource Policies

 DRESS CODE  It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

 SICK  DAYS  We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

 SURGERY  Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

PERSONAL  DAYS  Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

VACATION  DAYS  All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25

ABSENCE DUE TO YOUR OWN  DEATH  This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice, as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE  In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical Order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go From 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the  "Chronic Offenders" category.

LUNCH BREAK  Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

More One Liners

• Advertising: The science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it - Stephen Leacock

• I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. - Rita Rudner

• I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?" - Jay Leno

• The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it. - Jackie Gleason

• Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. - Red Buttons

• I date this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts: "I wanna know your name" - Mike Binder

• Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window. - Steve Bluestone

• Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac. - George Carlin

• You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is. - Ellen DeGeneris

• I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain. - Carol Leifer

• I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead. - Sue Kolinsky

• The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise. - Roger Simon

• You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough. - Pearl Williams

• Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents. - Billiam Coronel

• I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. - Dave Edison

• Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place. - Johnny Carson

• It's not hard to tell we was poor -- when you saw the toilet paper dryin' on the clothesline. - George Lindsey

• Never moon a werewolf. - Mike Binder

• If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight. - George Gobel

Adapted from http://www.farsinet.com/jafang/indexv.html

1. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

2. You let your 12-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in- laws.

4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

5. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

6. Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch this."

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

Know Your State Motto