Things You
Always Wanted to Say to Another Surfer
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Thanks for
wasting another wave. . . how many is that?
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Could you
park in front of me on the next wave, too?
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Yes, stay
right there. I’m gonna’ run over your butt on the next wave.
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If you want
to go home now, no one will complain.
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OK, you surf
better than I do, but do you have to make it so obvious?
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Its generally
a good idea to look in front of you when you’re surfing.
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Yes, you got
500 waves with your big board. . . now maybe you should try a turn or
something.
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You know, its
not really fair that you weigh 30 pounds less than me.
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Man you look
goofy in that hood. . . Uh oh, I’m wearing one too.
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What were you
thinking when you bought a board with five fins?
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Behind this
fixed smile I’m tearing your head off for dropping in on me.
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Nothing
personal, but surfing is not the sport for you.
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I’m proud of
myself for not laughing, that has a hilarious wipe out.
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I saw you
kook-out on that last wave— I’m just pretending like I didn’t see it out
of courtesy.
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You can’t
surf that well, you’re too young.
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Gee you’re
old. . . I don’t look like that, do I?
-
Please shut
up, you’re getting on everyone’s nerves
-
Oh goody!
One more story about your last surfing vacation.
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I want to
send my condolences to your wife. Every woman makes a mistake now and
then.
-
Get a larger
towel-- I never want to see your shiny butt again.
-
So you’re
slim and good looking and surf well and drive a BMW. That girl with you
doesn’t know what’s she’s missing.
-
Why can’t I
do that?
Editor's note: OK, so this one was a bit
sarcastic but we couldn't resist. Remember that civility starts with
resisting the temptation to vent at your colleagues in the line up.
Forgiveness buys Karma Points. End of sermon.
Spouse
Scripts
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Are you
really going surfing again this Saturday?
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I don’t
understand it; the new board looks just like your other ones.
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Why don’t you
take the kids (your neighbor, cousin, dog, nephew, niece) to the beach
with you?
-
Are you
really going surfing in the rain?
-
What time are
you going to be home?
-
Is the surf
really better there?
-
You haven’t
forgot about the party (church, dinner, project)?
-
Do you really
get any exercise? Most of the surfers seem to just sit there.
-
How can you
be tired? You were only out for three hours!
-
I guess the
yard (garage, sink, dishwasher, etc.) will have to wait for next week.
-
But the other
wetsuit is only a year old!
Yo'
Mamma Lines
-
Yo’ cutbacks
are so lame, it take 10 minutes to change direction.
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Yo’ bottom
turns are so sad, the wave takes a break for you to catch up.
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Yo’ style so
sad, people call 9-1-1 when you paddle out.
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Yo’ surfing
so ugly, the sharks draw straws.
-
Yo’ surfing
so bad, Dr. Kevorkian sends you discount coupons.
-
Yo’ surfing
crew is so disrespected, the police declare an unlawful assembly.
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Yo’ head so
big you use an oil drum for a helmet.
-
Yo’ surfing
so bad you should claim the 5th and be silent.
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Yo’ turns are
so sad, everyone think youse still goin straight!
-
Yo’ ride was
so bad, someone should run you over and put you out of yo’ misery.
-
Yo’ paddling
is so weak, yo’ fiends paddle in and shower before make it to the line up.
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Yo’ chest so
skinny you use saran wrap for a wetsuit.
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Yo’ so out of
shape they strap an oxygen battle to yo’ board.
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Yo’ wipeouts
so bad, the funeral home park their hearse in the lot.
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Yo’ so old
you need a walker to get to the beach.
-
Yo’ so fat yo’
board cries uncle when you catch a wave.
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Yo’ turns so
ugly, even the sharks smile.
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Yo’ leash is
so old and stretched you can use it for dental floss.
-
Yo’ board is
so bad dogs think it’s a fire hydrant and stand in line.
-
Yo’ board has
been repaired so many times, it weighs more than a two person kayak.
-
Yo’ board has
so much duck tape it looks like a floating AirStream.
-
Ugly, ugly,
ugly! Yo’ stick so nasty, you couldn’t sell it with a negative price tag.
-
Yo’ board so
rough you need a sign: “speed bumps ahead.”
-
Yo’ board is
so nasty OSHA takes water samples when you surf.
-
Yo’ board so
long you need a Class B driver’s license and it beeps when you back up.
-
Yo’ board so
long the nose reaches the line up and the tail is still on the beach.
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Yo’ board so
long you have to blow a horn before making a turn.
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Yo’ board so
big you need a chart to plan your next turn.
-
Yo’ board so
long you need a limo to get it to the beach.
-
Keep yo’ eyes
on the sky, bro’, yo’ board so long Navy jets try to land on its deck.
-
Yo’ board so
long they made it in sections.
-
Yo’ board so
fat the shop took a vacation while it dried.
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Yo’ board so
long boats try to dock when you paddle out.
-
Must be El
Nino, yo’ board so long the City wants to use it as a sea wall.
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Yo’ board so
big you need a tug boat to turn it.
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Yo’ board so
fat they used a 2X4 for a stringer.
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Yo’ board so
big even the waves don’t want to hit it.
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Yo’ board so
long, the Sierra Club thinks whale migration has started.
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You don’t
have to worry about getting sick, yo’ wetsuit so nasty the bacteria are
afraid.
-
Yo’ board so
short you should put the lease on the nose.
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Yo’ board so
small you could hide it with your car keys.
-
Yo’ board so
short all we see is yo’ head stickin out of the water.
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You don’t
need no leash, that board so small you can use a key chain.
-
Yo’ board is
so small, the seals play Frisbee with it.
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Yo’ board so
short you can only stand one foot at a time.
-
Yo’ board so
skinny you can pick yo’ teeth with it.
-
Yo’ board so
small the shaper used a Styrofoam cooler instead of a blank.
-
When you go
to Hawaii, yo’ board so short the airline lets you take it as carry on.
-
Yo’ board so
short you need a snorkel when you paddle.
-
Yo’ board so
short there ain’t no place to put a decal.
-
Yo’ board so
short no one can tell which end is the front.
Surfers' Famous Last Words
-
Don't worry,
those are just dolphins! (thanks, Mike)
-
Hey, watch
this!
-
What's the
worst that could happen?
-
Mine! . . . I
got it!
-
It doesn't
look that big.
-
Don't sweat
it, there's a channel!
-
Outside!
Outside! Outside!
-
It's a little
big for a beginner, but you'll do fine!
-
You catch
this one, I'll be right behind you.
-
I'm going to
paddle out by myself, I'll see you when you get here.
-
Relax, those
rocks are a long ways away.
-
Bring the
boat back in about three hours, that should be enough time.
-
I like a
short board in big surf.
-
Pretty good,
huh? I repaired this board myself!
-
So this is
how tow in surfing is done!
-
Let's both
go, this wave is big enough for two people!
-
We're from
New Jersey, can you tell us where Maverick's is?
-
We're from
the mainland, can you tell us where Pipleline is?
-
No hay
problema! This fisherman knows these reefs like the back of his
hand!
-
Come on, Air
Venezuela has been around for a long time.
-
Chicken!
The Boeing 707 has a great safety record.
-
I love the
food from vendors on the beach. . . its so natural.
-
That
three-hour workout at the gym was just a warm up for this session.
-
Let's see who
can hold their breath the longest!
-
That's too
small, I'm heading North.
-
There are no
poisonous fish in Tahiti!
-
Antibiotics
are for wimps!
-
I'm a
traditionalist, leashes are for wimps.
-
Helmets are
for wimps!
-
You mean you
replace your leash every year?
-
Don't worry
about me, I'll warm up soon enough.
-
Check this
out, I'm gonna' take off fins first!
-
OK, let me
show you how a 360 is really done.
-
Let me have
this wave, would you? My girlfriend is watching from the beach.
-
Hey, I can
compete with the pros.
-
Looks like
the swell has really calmed down.
-
I checked the
internet, the swell isn't supposed to hit until late afternoon.
-
Surfing at
night is the ultimate rush!
-
Let's see who
can shoot the pier first!
-
Relax, Amigo.
There are no terrorists on this island. Besides, who would bother a
surfer?
-
I got a great
deal on a rental car!
-
It's safe to
sleep in the beach; just like the old days.
-
Who says a VW
van can't go fast down hills?
-
Damn, these
island roads are narrow!
-
The beach is
just another 100 yards down this steep trail.
-
The water is
plenty deep here.
-
Hold my board
why I jump, would you?
-
He's a wimp.
I'm gonna' call his bluff.
-
That's just
an old wives' tale about the currents here.
-
I thought the
book said the tides were incoming, not outgoing.
-
They don't
give those young troops bullets for their guns.
-
Ignore those
stupid signs, the City puts them up every time it rains. They do it
so they won't get sued.
Editor's
note: The sad truth is that there's usually a clue before it
happens. Surf safe.
Why You’re Late Coming Home
-
I couldn’t believe how many people it took to drag that
poor beached wale back out to sea.
-
Can you believe how much I paid for this waterproof
watch and then it leaks?
-
Whoa, I’m tired. It was tough saving that guy and
doing CPR, but the paramedics think he’s going to be OK.
-
I tried to make it on time, but the interviews
took longer than expected.
Before Paddling Out
-
Please don’t let the
reporters know I’m here. I hate when
they follow me around.
-
Is that Matt Ambrose? I’ve gotta' move North, he’s
always bugging me for advice.
-
If I don’t come back, you can have my dog.
-
Alert the media, I’ll be at the Pier.
When
Going for the Impossible Wave
After a Great Wipeout
-
Damn, I hate it when the seals grab your leash.
-
You didn’t see that did you?
-
Please help me kill the witnesses.
-
Is it your first day too?
-
Did I at least get a 10 for artistic expression?
-
I knew I shouldn’t have had group sex last night.
-
I guess the Surf Police are going to suspend my
license again.
-
Other than that, how did you like the play, Mrs.
Lincoln?
After
a Good Wave
-
Now that I’ve shown you how, its your turn.
-
Please, no autographs in the line up.
-
Must of fired some 20 year old neurons.
-
Do you suppose I’ll be able to do that again in my
lifetime?
-
What happened there?
-
Sure glad I had my Viagra last night.
-
If someone got my picture, I’m quitting surfing while
I’m ahead.
When
the Surf is Horrible
-
At least its miserable and cold.
-
We’ve surfed uglier, haven’t we?
-
I’m glad there’s another masochist out here.
-
Let me ask you. . . Why?
-
Is there a reason we’re out here?
-
This is desperation surfing.
-
This is either exercise or an exercise in futility.
-
Is it still considered surfing when you don’t catch any
waves?
-
You know, golf sounds pretty good right now.
-
Let’s drive up and down the coast and wave at the girls
(boys).
-
I left a wife and a warm bed for this?
-
Just shoot me and get it over with.
-
I’m sure it will get a lot worse when the tide changes.
-
If we could just have a few more knots of wind.
-
Not much to work with, huh?
When
You Drop in On Your Bro’
-
Sorry, I
thought you were going left- right point breaks
only
-
Sorry, I
thought you were going right- left point breaks
only (thanks to reader Havard)
-
Gee, I didn’t see you.
-
If you can’t drop in on your friends, who can you drop
in on?
-
That’s a payback for 1992 when you dropped in on me.
-
Do you still love me?
-
OK, next one is yours.
-
Did you like my bottom turn?
Hope I didn't splash you.
When
You’re Too Tired To Continue
-
I can’t feel my feet any more.
-
Would you tow me into the beach?
-
Nap time.
-
Is there a
local bus that comes by here?
What
to Say to Groms
-
Guess its time
for me to go back to the nursing home.
-
We’re you born on that surfboard?
-
Be kind to your elders.
-
Yes, but I pay property taxes.
-
Do you want to live to be 13?
-
Yeah, we old guys are having a bingo party later on.
-
We’re thinking about putting in a wheel chair ramp to
the beach.
-
Hell, I was surfing here before you were a nasty
suggestion.
Dissin’
Short Boarders
-
Why don’t you get a real surfboard?
-
Having fun trying to paddle into these
waves?
-
How about adding a foot to that board?
-
Pretending to be 16 again?
-
I figure the sharks will go for the people who sit
lowest in the line-up.
Dissin’
Long Boarders
-
Why don’t you get a real surfboard?
-
Having
fun trying to paddle out with that
monster?
-
Do you know that the size of your board is inversely
proportional to the length of (fill in the blank) ?
-
Do you have a Class B license for that thing?
-
How many trees gave their lives for that thing?
-
Do you need help carrying that monster back to the
parking lot?
-
Will that thing
fit into a U-Haul truck?
-
I thought the 60’s were in the 60’s.
-
Is that a Buick or a Cadillac?
-
Bet that’s great for fishing.
-
Does it come with oars?
-
Do you have radar and GPS for that board?
Beginners Hanging Out on the
Inside
-
Speed bumps
-
House plants
-
Door stops
-
Flotsam or Jetsam
-
I feel like I’m in a pinball machine
-
Must be good; 2,000 people can’t be wrong
-
Heads up or heads off, pal
-
What is this, a slalom course?
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