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Surfing Advice From Men

30 Things I Dislike About Surfing

Surfing Excuses

Mr. Green's Message

More Male Advice
S.S. Shark Bait

This silly session started out with me sitting on the beach alone, putting leash and gloves on. This man makes a beeline for me fast over the dunes; where did he come from?  He asks permission to take some photos.  I don't know what he means.  He says he's from Chicago and that today was his first day of surfing.  He’s planning now to spend the next couple of months driving up and down the CA coast looking at surf.  So sorry California, I was chosen to be the spokeskook for the  Bay Area. I tell him my surfing sucks but he should get some good wipeout and pearling shots.

It's weird paddling out while someone is snapping photos.  Anyway, he takes some shots, and I actually catch a couple of waves.  Who knows what he shot exactly, or what the pics look like but thank God I will never see them.  He was very polite and I'll never see him again so the whole goofy glamour shots idea was okay with me.  About an hour later I come in and stand on the beach, looking for my lost peak (I always lose them!)   I’m wondering whether I should head home or pull the classic and often futile “oh just one more ride, I promise, trick.” 

Two ten year olds appear in front of me. One boy looks me right in the eye. . ." Miss?  Miss?  You'll probably catch more waves if you go to the south of the beach."  I'm amazed!  I think I gave him an openmouthed stare.  He sounds just like an adult male, but I'm old enough to be his mother!  I don't know whether to be amused, or wring his neck!  Who does he think he is?  Granted my surfing leaves a ton to be desired, but this kid is about to paddle out into an area I had to myself for over an hour, and actually caught some rides.  I'm almost insulted!  

Thank goodness he's only 10, but my temptation to squish him is nearly overwhelming.  I tell him, "Actually I'm taking a break.  I just came in from this section."  He continues, "And be careful,  there's a rip right here."   After exhorting me to flee to safer waters, my little savior promptly runs into the shallows and not 4 feet in front of me falls flat on his face (no worries the kid is fine).   He glances over his shoulder at me and I'm covering my mouth trying not to crack up.  Annoyance dissolves into sympathy.  Poor kid!  He must be so embarrassed.  But my god!  Where did he learn this?  His father?  I should have told him that advice giving does not endear women to guys at any age.   Thus ended the silly session.  I'm still amused.

Surfing Advice From Men

S.S. Shark Bait

I'm floating around Le Beach on a really flat morning. I mean really flat. Caught a couple of tiny bumps, fell on a couple of tiny bumps, then the “swell” halved.  A man paddles out to my area and we bob around and chase bumps for a while.  I mean there is just nada to surf.  My arms are a getting tired. (That current is relentless!)  I'm thinking about going in, so when I see a tiny lump lurch up and start to turn into a cute teeny closeout I spin around - hey, at least it will project me forward!

For the record, I have a habit of letting closeouts dump on my head - mostly by mistake, sometimes on purpose when I (a) know I'm not going to duck dive that one or (b) what the hell it's too big for me to go outside.  I also keep my feelers out for that line between adrenaline fear rush/challenging safe conditions and panic/stupid conditions.  I don't cross it. This keeps my sessions enjoyable because by not crossing that line I do whatever the hell I want, even if it means getting drilled. Who cares!  But I digress.

 So, it's small enough and I don't care.  The wave curls and dumps on my head right in front of the other surfer.  I laugh and pop back onto the board.   Surfer guy sees this as a sign to dish out the dreaded Unsolicited Advice.  Think of the wave as a SQUARE, he comments, making a vigorous square with his hands, you want to surf on the CORNERS.  Okay, yes, my surfing and judgment are heinous, but is this a tidbit I don't already know?  I try not to giggle. Then he keeps going!  Surfing is really difficult, you just have to keep at it . . . blah, blah . ..  What you really need is a gentle break in warm water . . . I'm looking around at the sea, perfectly toasty in my wetsuit – okay, where is this nearby gentle warm water break?  

 This guy talks for what feels like five minutes.  I feel kind of bad for being annoyed, this man was very pleasant, (alas most people seem to sit around and scowl).  But a lecture at seven in the morning?  Plus I feel funny because I do suck at surfing, but dagnabbit this is for fun-- I don't want a peanut gallery piping up every time I wipe out!  Particularly in those rare instances when I do it on purpose. Talk about feeling self conscious!

Anyway,  I call my pal (an excellent female surfer, she's been surfing Ocean Beach for years) and inform her that waves are squares.  Her reply?  My friend disagrees!  She's  been informed that waves are rectangles. . . also triangles!  These pearls of wisdom, doled out by two separate people on separate occasions. Triangles?  Tears of laughter are streaming from my face.  She didn't get the part of her triangle lesson about the takeoff point.  Either waves jack up in a perfect triangular point, thereby offering the obvious  peak, or apparently there's some complicated system where you paddle at some specific spot down the side of this three headed hypothetical shape. There might be a formula for this, but we're both blonde so neither one of us figured it out. 

I'm still flummoxed on the waves as triangles angle.  What's next, hexagons?  In any case my friend and I never agreed on the best geometric form.  I do know one thing - waves are cylinders.

30 Things I Dislike About Surfing

OK, I love surfing with a passion.  But there are a few things that get on my nerves.  Here's the list.

1. Surfing in cold, deep water and seeing something black and shiny break the surface, but only in your peripheral vision

2. Backing out of a perfect wave because someone is on it, only to seem him do a face plant

3. Backing out of three perfect waves because someone has them, and every time he/she doesn't make the section and has to straighten out

4. Changing out of a wetsuit in a dirt parking lot and forgetting your three gallon bottle of hot water

5. Arriving at the beach to find that you've left your wetsuit, leash, or towel in the garage

6. Trying to walk down the beach when there's a 40 knot off shore wind and your board is acting like a parachute

7. Screaming matches in the line up

8. Ninety pound groms with attitudes

9. Guys who remain really competitive in small or junky surf

10. Mindless localism, but. . . .

11. Driving to your local spot on Memorial Day and seeing 200 surfers you've never seen before and will never see again (where were you guys when it was really cold or raining?)

12. Long hold downs

13. Paddling outside 'till you're blue in the face and the biggest set wave still breaks right in front of you

14. Losing your car key

15. Visiting your local surf shop and finding that they have booties in size 8 and 12 (same with everything else)

16. Hearing about anyone having their board stolen; even someone you don't like

17. Ice cream headaches from excessive duck diving

18. Anyone who really understands surf forecasting (jealousy)

19. Really thick kelp that you end up towing 'cause it's wrapped around your leash

20. A consistent four knot cross-current at Ocean Beach (SF) that you have to continuously fight

21. Getting slammed by the shore break and falling on your butt on the sand like a toddler

22. Seeing trash, feathers, and other junk in the water

23. Dipping your hand into a gooey jelly fish when paddling

24. Getting the flu when there's a good swell

25. Being way out-surfed by 14 year old girls

26. Building up your courage to push a really late drop and seeing three guys in your landing zone

27. Pulling off a really strong bottom turn and then losing it 'cause you couldn't handle the speed

28. Fog so thick you can't see the waves; especially when they sound big

29. Getting burned on a great wave but not being able to get mad because it's your best friend and you've done it to him

30. Seeing anyone, especially a beginner, get hurt

Surfing Excuses

Lay on a guilt trip, appeal to a higher power, claim you’re an environmentalist, blame your friend, blame yourself, just find a way to go.

• You want me to be happy, don’t you?

• Would you rather have me drinking with the boys?

• Would you rather that I go shopping?

• Maybe I should be a golfer?

• Don’t you like telling your friends that your husband (wife) is a surfer?

• Some people go to church; surfing fulfills my spiritual needs.

• Dave is having a hard time with his bottom turns and I promised I would help him out.

• Hey, Dave is having marital problems; he needs someone to talk to.

• It’s a big swell.  I should really go and keep an eye on Dave.  You know about the buddy system, right?

• This will get me in the right mood for doing my chores when I get home.

• Look, this swell is going to be gone any minute- I have to go one more time.

• Actually there’s a beach clean-up going on. . . we’re just going to have a short session afterwards.

• Oh, I’m so stressed out I simply have to get wet (combine with “you want me to be happy. . .?)

• Hey, I’ve got to meet this client who surfs; it could bust the deal if I don’t!

• I’m not going to be able to surf for three whole days!  Give me a break!

• This is the only thing I love almost as much as you, Honey.

• Surfing is how I stay in shape. . . I’m just trying to look good for you.

• And if all else fails: How about if I take the kids with me so you can have some quiet time?

Mr. Green's Message

The Shrink has a 540 sq. ft. bungalow in Santa Cruz.  That doesn't sound like much unless you've ever shopped for property in the area. For the same money one could by a 2,500 square foot mansion in Phoenix.  Anyway, Shrink and Ms. Shrink saved their pennies and bought the place, then used the rest of their savings to fix it up.  For a shoebox, it's really pretty nice.  But with all the remodeling costs, we have to rent the place out now and then to friends and coworkers.  It was that or sell some of my surfboards, and you know that was out of the question.

On June 28th, 2003 we rented the house to a friend from the neighborhood-- let's call him Mr. Green.  Mr. Green (who does resemble Kermit the Frog in some ways) is a pretty fun guy, even though he's an attorney with the firm of Dewy Cheatum and Howe.  I left him a message on the machine for his arrival. . . something like "This is the Santa Cruz Police and we're getting complaints about a loud party. . . "  When I got back from fog surfing in Pacifica there was this message on our machine in San Francisco:

Hello Mr. Shrink, this is Pastor Godsend with the Santa Cruz Religious Educational Workshop Youth Coordination Union.  We're so pleased that Mr. Green has volunteered your house for our revival tonight.  And we were stunned and amazed to find that the home has its own baptismal pool.  But we're expecting about a 150 young people here tonight, and we're wondering about the weight limit of the unit.  We figure we can do sets of three and get through everyone in a few hours.  Could you get back to me on that? 

Oh yes, to which side of the yard should we rake our debris to after the revival?  Let me know.  By the way, that Mr. Green is a great guy and is a lot of fun after a couple of cocktails.  He was so confident that you wouldn't mind us using your little home.  Talk to you later!

Sage Advice For Groms

I came to a startling revelation the other day– I’m old.  Yes, I’m 47 and my best years are behind me.  All I have to look forward to is sore muscles, expensive dental work, and prostate ”issues.”  I'll spend all my time making sure I have the right life insurance and picking out a retirement home on a golf course somewhere.  Young women will simply humor me and, if they find me attractive, I will look OK “for an old guy.”   But I refuse to stop surfing.  I don’t give a damn if they have to roll me down to the water in my wheel chair and strap me to a 12-foot soft top.  I’ll still be dreaming of deep bottom turns and floaters when I take my afternoon naps at the rest home.

Despite this sad state of affairs, I understand that we elders have an obligation to pass on our wisdom to the young.  Especially this incorrigible group of marginally educated, poorly motivated, multiply-pierced, over-tattooed Neanderthals listing to rap music and wearing their pants around their knees.  They need all the help they can get.  So here, for you who were born too late, are some helpful historical points that may help you understand life and relate better to those of us with more miles on our odometers.

• Longboarders at Swami’s did not invent the idea of surfing without a leash.  Until the early 70’s we didn’t have them.  Yes, we wiped out and had to swim to shore.  And at reef breaks at high tide this was always exciting.  You never knew what would happen to your 5-10 twin fin.  The right combination of swell and rocks could make your stick look like the last place contestant in a robot war.  We actually started out with leashes by going to the local medical supply store and searching among  the canes and bedpans for surgical rubber tubing.  Tie that sucker off to your board and ankle and Voila! a primitive leash.  Its still the greatest invention to benefit surfing since the wetsuit.

• Speaking of wetsuits, you kids are spoiled.  Boards may not have changed that much over the last 20-30 years, but modern wetsuits are fantastic.  We used to wear the old bib-style suits that felt like a straight jacket and made you look like Homer Cornseed.  We should erect a statue to the inventor of the super-stretch fabric that makes today’s suits feel like an extra layer of skin.

• I barely made a steep drop on an overhead wave the other day (no face plant for a change) and told a grom that it was really an “E-Ticket ride.”  My pal gently reminded me that kids don’t know what that means.  What?  There are no more E-Tickets?  Let me explain.  Back when the Matterhorn was the most exciting ride at Disneyland you had different tickets for different rides.  The most exciting rides required an E-Ticket which was the most expensive.  Now you know what the old farts are talking about.

• Once there were no computers.  I know this sounds hard to believe but I promise I’m telling the truth.  We used onion skin typewriter paper which could be erased and were thoroughly stoked when white-out was invented.  Can you imagine paying 500 bucks for a Brother electric typewriter with 16-character memory?  Yes, that's 16 characters, not 16 gigs.  There were no autotellers, so you had to stand in line at the bank on Friday so you had enough cash to get through the weekend.  And you had no choice but spend quality time with the yahoo at the local gas station; pumps didn’t accept credit cards.  Don’t get me started about eight-track tapes and 8mm movies.

Every generation contributes to its successor's quality of life, and we were no exception.  On balance, I think we probably contributed more than we screwed up, but sometimes I wonder.  The following summary may shed light on the issue.

So here's the challenge to you groms.  Go out and invent some cool stuff for the next generation.  Push the envelope but don't kill yourself and for goodness sake don't hurt any innocent bystanders.  Your aerials are cool, but the rap and hip hop music really suck.  Need some guidance?  Play a video highlighting Gerry Lopez carving turns but turn off the sound and put Who's Next on your CD player. Now there's a benchmark.

.

Guy Points

Editor’s Note:  To my female surfing colleagues, I apologize for the sexist tone of this article.  It is in no way intended to be disrespectful.  That being said, I’ve spent too many hours in the line up with buddies looking at their watches and describing the agreements they made with their spouses regarding when they had to be home.  Thus was born the concept of “guy points.”
 

You surf every weekend.  Every Friday night your wife asks you “are you going surfing tomorrow?”  This is like asking if the sun is going to rise or the Pope is Catholic.  As a result, surfing becomes a male benefit in a relationship.  Sort of like putting salt on your baked potato or cracking that third beer.  Remember, if you play, you have to pay.  And, as the inmates used to say when I worked in a jail, “if you can’t do the time, don’t commit the crime.”

So as a public service, here is a strategy for ensuring that your marital status does not unnecessarily interfere with your professional surfing career.  The basic premise is that you must build up “guy points” during the week.  These guy points are then exchanged for a guilt-free surfing session.  If you adhere to these standards and your spouse still busts your chops when you come home, keep your scorecard handy.  You can then articulate all the wonderful things you did that earned you the right to float around with a bunch of other Neanderthals acting like teenagers on a testosterone high.  Your goal is to transfer the guilt to your wife for infringing on the only thing you love almost as much as her (remember that line).

Calculation of Guy Points

Of course, the suggested points are only a guideline.  You know best what will keep you out of the dog house.  If surfing has had a positive affect on your appearance, remember to suck in your beer belly and stretch your shoulders.  Maybe, just maybe, she’ll consider this one benefit that results from your addiction.

How You Know When You’re An Old Surfer

• Your strip and wax the board sessions last longer than your surfing sessions.

• You have no problem with zipperless wetsuits until you have to stretch them over your stomach.

• You always go to bed about the time the groms are leaving home for their party.

• Instead of ripping a wave you create minor creases in its surface.

• The groms look impressed, yet sympathetic, when you paddle out.

• You still know what an E-Ticket ride was at Disneyland.

• To keep warm you wear so much rubber that you look like the Michelin tire man.

• The top ranked surfers on the ASP look like high school students.

• You carry a water proof pill bottle with nitroglycerin in the event you experience any chest pain.

• Half of the time when you stare at a young surfer chick in the lot you suffer feelings of guilt.

• You think a Macker is something you get at a fast food place to keep your engine running.

• “Getting air” is something you practice after every duck dive.

• You switch from sun block to Ben Gay after surfing.

• Late drops scare the hell out of you.

• Your classic woody has wire curb sensors and a beeper when you put it in reverse.

• Your sessions don’t last as long as the naps that follow.

• You pass on a romantic evening with your significant other in order to save energy for tomorrow’s trip to the beach.

• You find it easy to beat the crowds by getting to the parking lot at 6:00 a.m., but only because you went to bed at 8:30 p.m.

• You still think Johnny Carson hosts a late night show and John Belushi is still on SNL.

• You load up the board to go surfing about the time you used to get back from the dance clubs.

• You suffer a minor wipe out and the groms paddle over to make sure “gramps” is OK.

• To you, a “tow-in” means checking the water temperature before you paddle out.

• You think Cortez Banks is a financial institution in Latin America.

• Mavericks is an old television series.

• People can guess your age by the number of times you have to stop and pee when driving along the coast.

• Your surfing sessions to sexual encounters ratio is a large number.

• Instead of wearing the latest cool sunglasses, you opt for the plastic flip-up style.

• The journal you used to record surf sessions is now used to track the gas mileage you’re getting from your Buick.

• You know you had a great session last Saturday, you just can’t remember where it was.

• You understand that there are two reasons people surf; (a) they have lost their mind and (b) you’ve forgotten the second reason.

 The Ten Commandments

1.      Thou shall drop in on no one.  The exceptions are friends, wave hogs, and those who drop in on you. 

2.      Thou shall be kind to kooks.  At one time, we were all flopping around inside with our surfboards pointing at the sky from laying on the back of the board.  Beginners are to be pitied and helped.  Unless they have an attitude, then you can run them over. 

3.      Thou shall wear a leash on big days.  Please introduce me to the person who never wipes out.  On big days you have no right to endanger the lives of others just to be cool.   If you really yearn for tradition, buy yourself a 75-pound balsa board.  Just attach it with a stainless steel leash.   

4.      Thou shall maintain the Karma.   So Linda Mar is usually mushy or closed out, sometimes simultaneously.  The one thing it used to have was good Karma.  If you really want to charge every wave and snake your brothers, go to Steamer Lane.  There some 14 year old surfer chick will bust your chops by making every late drop and pulling off turns you've only dreamed about. 

5.      Thou shall surf in all conditions.  If anyone "owns" a beach, its we dumb shits who paddle out when its cold, raining, or there are 40 knot off shore winds.  If it has to be 70 degrees for you to surf, you're not with the program.  Think about taking up bowling. 

6.      Thou shall not be too cool.  Nothing is worse that the guy who paddles around with a stoic expression and doesn't joke or  swap lies with others in the line up.  These are the guys you love to watch get slammed by a closed out macker at Linda Marginal.  Lighten up. . . you're surfing for God's sake! 

7.      Thou shall forgive dumb stunts.  I was paddling out and this oblivious long boarder practically left skid marks on my back.  I was bitching all the way to the showers where I accidentally left my helmet.  Next week, the guy who had run me over retrieved my helmet from his truck.  He commented that he knew it belonged to me and could attest to its effectiveness.  Remember that the person who screws you today may some day bail your bacon out of the fire when you get in trouble. 

8.      Thou shall appreciate the great equalizer.  I surf with Electricians, Ph.D.s, Contractors, Stockbrokers, and Steelworkers.  Some make $30K a year and I know a couple that make $500K.  But on a shitty day or a great day or a big day, we all play in the same sandbox.  We all hoot.  We all get scared.  We all surf until our toes are blue and our arms are toasted.  And we all suffer spectacular (and hilarious) wipeouts.  

9.      Thou shall be kind to elderly surfers.  Okay, so some of us totter down the beach with our walkers and play bingo in the line up.  Okay, so you get tired of hearing us whine about our jobs and hum Grateful Dead songs from the sixties.  Be kind.  Soon enough you'll be drinking your Metamucil and Viagra cocktail the night before surfing.  Just pray  you can still crank a turn. 

10.  Thou shall wear sunglasses in the parking lot.  Sorry to break the news to my female surfing colleagues, but men are pigs.  We can't help but watch you change in the parking lot and pray for a breeze to liberate that towel wrapped around your waist.  As with kooks, we are to be pitied.  We hereby commit to be discrete and not stare.  We also promise not to wear Speedos or puke in your presence when we're hung over from the night before.  That is, as long as you promise to keep surfing thereby bringing some civility to the line up.
 

Getting Friends Out of the Line-Up

Editor's Note:  How do you tell your friends they've caught their quota of waves in a humorous way?

One Saturday, the Shrink surfed mushy Boat Docks with the typical crowd of scruffy regulars- usual suspects, usual crimes. It got crowded, but with this crew the Karma is almost always good. One of the guys was Dave. That’s not his real name, but he knows who he is, the lovable pig.   Dave surfs a 10 foot Cadillac and was really charging since he got his Class B driver’s license back from the surf police. When I stopped counting he was up to about 500 waves or 70% of total GWC (Gross Wave Count). His success naturally drew some friendly chiding from the line up, and an idea was born. So now, as a public service, we offer 10 helpful hints for encouraging comrades to hit the bricks when they’ve surpassed their quota.

1. Hey Dave, there's a beautiful woman on the beach who wants your autograph!

2. Gee, do all VW Buses like yours have that funny car alarm?

3. Didn't you say you were golfing today?

4. Hey look! That guy just drove away and forgot his custom 10 ft. balsa laminate board in the parking lot!

5. The Pacifica PD was asking about you this morning. Something about a warrant to search your house?

6. Was that a dolphin or something else I saw out there?

7. Did you hear about the surfer who got West Nile Virus from this nasty water yesterday?

8. Hey, someone just told me that the North end is firing off and there’s nobody there!

9. Who’s that guy talking to your wife in the parking lot?

10. Damn! I left my winning lottery ticket on the dashboard of my car and its not locked. Are you planning on going in soon?

(p.s., “Dave” caught all his waves fair and square and was looking darned good for an old fart.)
 

The 12-Step Unsuccessful Surfing Addiction Recovery Program

Editor’s Note:  Alcoholics Anonymous and similar programs have done an extremely valuable service over the years to save the  lives of many people and improve the quality of lives for others.  No disrespect is intended by this article.  Simply stated, there are a number of qualities of surfing that are addictive, so with tongue in cheek, we offer our own 12 step program.  If you follow these steps carefully, you’ll still be a junkie, but people might enjoy being around you more.

1.  We admit we are powerless over all things relating to surfing and that our lives have become unmanageable.  We watch surf videos, dream of glassy waves, talk about surfing all the time, and spend too much time on the internet checking out conditions when we’re supposed to be working.  Unfortunately, everything else in life, except loved ones, seems to pale in comparison.

2. We have come to hope that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.  We’re still looking for him/her.  Try in vain to paddle out at OB for 45 minutes and never get outside.  Take a two-wave hold down at Montera.  Get caught in that nasty rip at the North end of LM on a big day.  Then, talk about how important you are with your stock options and new Humvee.  There ain’t no question who’s in charge around here.

3. We have made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of the Higher Power.  Done deal.  Every time we surf we see our higher power in beautiful shaped waves, the sunrise, sea otters and dolphins playing in our midst, and those many wonderful moments of camaraderie with our fellow addicts.  The Garden of Eden has some tough competition when it comes to some surf spots.

4. We are making a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.   The inventory was more like a list of dirty laundry.  Ok, we’re sorry about that buddy’s board he left at our house and we sold at the garage sale.  And giving wedgies to groms in front of their girlfriends was clearly inappropriate.  Yes, Budwiser and donuts do not make for a healthy breakfast.  We keep promising to skip a session and mow the yard or at least take the garbage out.  But when you smell the salt in the air and your best friend calls on the cell phone. . .

5. We admitted to our higher power, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.  Unfortunately, the only people who understand are other surfing addicts who are usually in worse shape than we are.  Our families and non-surfing friends can only stare back with a look combining disgust and pity.

6. We are sort of ready to have our higher power  remove all these defects of character. Unfortunately, our particular higher power seems to be at the root of our character flaws. Mother nature keeps drawing us back to the water, making us feel graceful and strong, and then beating us to a pulp for the fun of it.

7. We humbly ask our higher power  to remove our shortcomings.  If nothing else, could we get some character points?  For example, cleaning up the beach, teaching a beginner how to surf, or helping out someone in trouble on a big day?

8. Make a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.   The problem is all the people we dropped in on over the years.  We started a list but ran out of stationary.  If we can’t overcome this addiction, at least we vow to be nice to others in the line up.

9. Make direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.  OK, give up a wave now and then.  Hoot when a bro’ catches the wave of the day.  Give up a bar of wax to someone you don’t know.  Don’t sneer when someone asks you to zip up the back of their wetsuit.  Welcome a non-local and let him or her know of any danger spots.  Try to find the owner when he or she leaves booties at the shower.  You’ll still be addicted, but maybe your soul won’t be lost forever.

10. Continue to take personal inventory and when we are wrong, promptly admit it.  Come on, surfers have not shortage of excuses for why they have to go to the beach.  Failing grades, being late to work, or an over-drawn credit card can all be attributed to our addiction.  Face it, you’re hooked.

11. Seek  though prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with our higher power, seeking knowledge and the will to do the right thing.  The goal here may not be to give up our surfing addiction, but to use that addiction as a means of doing good.  Take all that competitive aggression and craving for speed and set aside a bit to make the sport better.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we try to carry this message to surfing addicts and to practice these principles in all our affairs.  First of all, there are few affairs since we don’t have any energy after surfing.  But we do vow not to tolerate anti-social behavior, cruelty to new surfers, vandalism and trashing of our beaches, or disrespect to women and families who have the same rights to enjoy our ocean.

 How to embarrass your friends when surfing;

• Place a bumper sticker on your car with the American Automobile Association logo.

• At the top of your lungs, tell a local that you’ve never surfed here and ask if the waves are good.

• Intentionally forget your leash and tie off to your board using sisal rope (right, Sir Richard?).

• Wear one of those Gomer Pyle sun hats with an extra large brim (right, Shrink?)

• Put on so much zinc oxide that you look like a mime.

• Ride your skateboard in the parking lot, even though you’re over 50.

• Play a CD of Donna Summer’s greatest disco hits as loudly as possible in the parking lot.

• Go to Steamer Lane and ask (again loudly) how one gets down to the water.

• Have a tailgate party in the lot, complete with a barbequed ribs.

• Talk about Mavericks even though you’ve never had the courage to even walk up to the top of the cliff to check it out.

• Change into your wetsuit in the lot, but don’t use a towel.  Bring your terrycloth bathrobe from home.

• Wear one of those wetsuits from the 70’s with the day glow colors.

 Why it’s Important that more women are surfing

• There’s less burping and passing of gas in the line up.

• Something to look at besides the regular crew who haven’t shaved or brushed their teeth for a week.

• Motivation:  When the women are charging, you have to try to make those late drops or risk serious manhood failure.

• They smile and appreciate life more than men.

Getting friends off on the right foot when they begin surfing

Editor’s note:  OK, nothing aggro.  But a little rights of passage is always good for the soul.

• Remember, if you’re right handed, the leash always goes on the left ankle.

• The same is true for the leash on your boogie board.

• The zipper on your wetsuit always goes on the front.

• It’s a good idea to put your leash on in the parking lot, then walk down the rocky beach.

• Really cool surfers swim out to the line up, dragging their board behind them by the leash.

• When you go to the surf shop, always ask for paraffin-free surfboard wax.

• Waxing the bottom of your board can increase its speed.

• Most experienced surfers will respect your anarchistic personality if you throw your hamburger wrapper on the beach.

• Strip the wax from your board after every session.

• Sharks may be a problem, but remember that they always attack from the right side of your board.

• It’s OK not to paddle into waves.  Just move to the back of the board and kick real hard.

• Water pollution can be a problem; most experienced surfers wear swimming goggles.

• If its big, bring a scuba snorkel duck-taped to your upper arm.

• You should do a minimum of 50 jumping jacks on the beach before paddling out.  Meditation is also cool.

• Never pee in your wetsuit; it will ruin the fabric.  Simply explain to your friends that you need to return to the lot for a short break.

• Nose clips are cool and can help keep your sinuses dry.

• Remember to call all your friends “dude” and "bro'" in the line up.

• If you happen to catch a wave, repeat the story three or four times later on.

• If you screw up, never apologize. . . blame it on the experienced surfer.

• To expedite catching waves, it’s a good idea to keep your board parallel to the beach at all times.

• Its an unwritten rule that every surfer must pick up one pile of doggie do-do after each session.

• Others will appreciate your respect for tradition if you hum old Beach Boy songs while in the line up.

• When coming in, wait until your fins scrape the sand before getting off the board.

• People in the parking lot are used to nudity; no need to use a towel when changing into your wetsuit. 

Why groms are useful

•  They make it look head high when there are only three-foot faces.

• If they get in your way you can always ask them if they want to live to see 14.

• When school is in session the line-up thins out.

• If they surf well, they can shame you into doing better.

• You can always tell them your property taxes are paying for their education.

• Very little damage happens to your board when you run them over.

• If they are rude in the line up, you can always tell mommy and daddy when they come to drive them home.

• When they are starting out, its kinda’ fun to see how many variations there have to going over the falls.

• They don’t have money for booties or gloves, so you can watch them turn blue on the cold days